When Apologies Mean Nothing: Breaking the Cycle of Blame

Have you ever been in a situation where you keep experiencing the same behavior from someone? Where they are sorry after the incident, yet not taking any responsibility for their actions, and continuously blaming you, or someone else for their behavior. Well an apology is worthless and not an apology at all without changed behavior.

For some, it could be coming from a spouse or significant other, who’s verbally or physically abusive and is always sorry after the fact, or a family member or friend, or even a boss that crosses the line over and over again, and is always seriously sorry after the fact, and just makes excuses wanting you to just get over it and to act as if nothing ever happened. Expecting you to accept their apology and move on.

when sometimes all the other person needs to heal is for them to recognize and admit and change thier behavior, but we have to also realize that it may not be in them to do so.

They may continue to blame you or anything else for thier behavior, to blame there past, or what they’ve been through, using that as an excuse or a scapegoat for their behavior, while taking no responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Although yes we are supposed to forgive them, it doesn’t mean that we have to continue to put up with the behavior, and be made to feel as if we are overreacting, and that it’s all in our head, or that were the problem. I believe you would call this a form of gaslighting, which is just a start in explaining this behavior and the situation we may find ourselves in.

After a while you may start to think that somehow it was your fault, and try to figure out what you may have done to bring on this type of behavior, when the truth of the matter is, we are not responsible for another person’s actions or reactions only they are. The first step in changing thier behavior is for them to realize that there is a problem.

Sometimes we deal with the behavior for years, walking on egg shells, trying to keep the peace and saying the wrong thing to avoid yet another confrontation, It is not our responsibility to try and change them, It will take an act of God, therapy and a total reflection and realization on the other persons part to do that. These situations can cause a lot of mental distress so protecting our peace, our health and mental wellbeing, and not blaming ourselves is crucial.

If there is a part we need to take responsibility for by all means do that, then forgive yourself, take care of yourself and first and foremost forgive and pray for them, pray for yourself and ask God for help and guidance to get through it, or in some cases the strength to remove yourself from the situation all together.

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Unlocking Emotions: The Power of Writing for Wellness

Hi,
My name is Norma, welcome to my page

There are times in life when we go through things that we don’t feel like we can share with anyone. Maybe for some it’s out of fear of being misunderstood, or being seen as weak, or just not being supported.

There were many times as I child where I would just write to release my thoughts, to get things off my chest, to calm myself when dealing with unpleasant situations. I would always keep my writings to myself, it was a form of therapy, a form of release sort of speak..

I started this blog in hopes to help someone that may need to release something that may be causing pain, holding them back or preventing them from healing. In writing things down even as I child, my love of writing, and putting pen to paper has helped me throughout the years, to process thoughts, to put things into perspective, to heal, to release, to vent and to cope, all while creating a space for change.

Although this may not be for everyone, I believe that God has given us all gifts and talents, even if we don’t always realize what they are or how we are meant to use them.

What are your thoughts?

How have some of you found ways to cope in difficult situations?

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Belief vs. Unbelief: The Impact on Our Lives

They say that seeing is believing, or I’ll believe it when I see it, but with God believing is seeing (Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen) so the question is what do we truly believe? Do we only believe when our prayers are answered in the way and time frame that we want? Or are we trusting God to be God and answer them in the way that is best for us.

I wonder how much of our beliefs shape and form the trajectory of our lives? We can say we believe in many things, but our words and actions can tell an entirely different story, I wonder how much of what we do, or do not believe, leads us to try to solve and handle our own problems instead of relying on God?  How much of what we do believe causes us to believe other people over God. Or our circumstances over God.

If we truly believe in something but we don’t act accordingly, as if we do believe, by speaking what we believe in, not worrying and instead resorting to complaining starting to fear and becoming impatient, when something we’re believing for doesn’t happen on our timeline, then are we truly believing?

 For some it may be believing in things in the world to change or be different or finding that wife or husband or our soulmate, or healing or starting a business, or becoming financially stable, but no matter what we’re believing for do we really believe, if we don’t believe enough to wait for it?

Do we continue to believe when things are getting worse instead of better? Or when it looks like it’s not going to happen? Do we continue to believe when the healing is not happening fast enough, or when we’ve lost a loved one? Do we continue to believe God is still a good God in those type of circumstances? Do we believe or tend to question everything? Do we believe when things are difficult and it seems like everything is going wrong, or do we believe that things should not have happened in a certain way? Or should not have happened to us at all.

Often times we question the unfairness in the things that we go through, taking us further into unbelief, and sometimes causing us to give up or to believe that things will truly work out for our good.

What we fail to understand, is our unbelief is what causes our prayers to sometimes be stalled, we say we believe but act and talk in a way that says we truly don’t. (Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those that earnestly seek him)

So, while we’re waiting on God, he’s waiting on us to get in line with the word of God. There often may be times in our lives when things do not make sense and seem so unfair, and we may need to go through the process of questioning God as to why something may have happened the way it did, and asking God to help us through it, but even in those times we must get back to our belief in God, believing that God is always a good God, even when we don’t understand.

So in the best as well as the worst of times believe God, believe that he is a God that does not lie (Numbers 23.19) believe that he answers our prayers not always in the way that we want but in the ways that are best for us, believe that he will help us through even in times when we are having trouble believing, Believe that God is the same yesterday today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)

There may come a time in all of our lives when we stop believing, just one of the times for me, was when my mother died early on in life, I could not understand or believe that a God that loved me could let my mother die, and it took me a while to believe that God is still good even when we can’t make sense of things that we don’t understand. For some of you it may be losing a loved one, it may be and illness, it may be a financial problem or a disaster that has happened, but whatever it is, we can still believe that God is good.

Just remember that believing is seeing, not the other way around.

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Breaking Generational Curses Through Honest Conversations

I was thinking a lot about healing recently, not only physical healing but emotional healing as well. The lack of emotional healing that can result in physical illness.

I thought of all the ways that we oftentimes keep things inside, pushing it to the back of our minds in hopes that it will somehow just magically go away. We may have heard others give their testimony, and feel like I could never do that, but I wonder what type of healing we could experience if we reveal the things that have kept us bound for so long, and how many people could be helped that may have been through the same or similar things, or how many people could we have saved from the so called fate, if we would have warned them what we had experienced, for some it may be any number of things such as alcohol or drug addiction that runs in the family, Or it may be the incest or molestation that was experienced, or mental or physical abuse or even depression.

How many generational curses could we have prevented from continuing if we would have warned the next generation about the things that our grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts uncles or any other family members had suffered through.

Often families want to keep it behind closed doors, as the saying goes, what happens in this house stays in this house, which is the craziest thing ever, and is only meant to spare them from embarrassment, while all along causing it to fester while keeping it hidden and unknown, and carrying it into every relationship we encounter after.

We hope that not talking about what we’ve or some other family members have been through will save us from embarrassment and shame, while it only causes things to remain as they are.

For we cannot heal what we will not reveal, for some it may mean revealing it to yourself first as a start, and no we cannot go around talking to and everyone, we do have to be selective and choose wisely who we can confide in, and if it is something that will save the next person from abuse, tell it, let it all out because not talking about it will cause the  generational curse to continue.

I’m not saying it will be easy, and you may not get the support you deserve, but keeping silent will hurt you more than it will to reveal it and may break the cycle and help someone else from going through it or help someone who has gone through it to not feel so alone in it.

So often people feel as if they must have done something wrong, or that they must have deserved it, when the truth of the matter is the same thing that was done to you was most likely done to them and their silence caused them to be complicit for the behavior to continue on.

So just remember, you can’t heal what you don’t reveal… For the bible says in John 8:32 And ye shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.

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Forgiveness: The Key to Emotional Freedom

I was thinking about the struggles of forgiveness, it takes me back to a time when it was so difficult to forgive.

When someone had wronged me, I would vow to never forgive them, I would just cut them off altogether or sometimes not speak to them for years, carrying the poison of that unforgiveness with me for years to come.

 Unforgiveness separates families, breaks apart friendships and more importantly, effects your health, your peace and wellbeing, we can carry it around, not even realizing what it’s doing to us internally, how it shapes our opinions, our decisions, our judgements, or our future relationships.

Now of course, is not to say that we in any way absolve what was done to us, or that we continue to have a relationship or stay in a relationship with the person that wronged or hurt us no matter who it is and depending on what it is, oftentimes we have to forgive from a distance.

We can often feel like we need to get revenge, make them suffer or make them feel what we felt, or that not forgiving them is our way of getting them back, not realizing that the forgiveness is for us, not for them, and holding onto it can show up as bitterness and distrust, feelings, as if they just got away with it, and not realizing that only God can fight our battles in ways that we can’t even imagine.

I felt like there was no way I could forgive the person that abused me, stalked me and constantly threatened to take his as well as my life, yet right in the midst of all, I choose to forgive. Even in the midst of wanting him to disappear from the face of the earth. Forgiveness does not mean that we’re going to suddenly forget all of the pain and anguish, or feel better about the situation, it takes sacrifice, but it is the beginning of helping you through that pain, and because of my obedience to forgive, I believe God spared my life.

 As God said in Matthew 6:14-15, if we forgive then God will also forgive us, and if we do not forgive others than we will not be forgiven, which can open the doors for the devil to rack all kinds of havoc in our lives, and who out here do need forgivesness at some time in our lives? Especially when we know, when we’re aware, but continue to make excuses and not forgive.

Someone once said that forgiveness is the key to perfect right action in my life. This proved to be very true in my life. We often feel that they don’t deserve our forgiveness, but what if on the other side of forgiveness lies our protection, our blessings, our deliverance, or our healing, how much would it be worth it to free yourself from the weight that unforgiveness brings? I truly believe that it truly releases you and free’s you it is not easy, you have to surrender, it takes it out of your hands, and put it in the hands of God.

 So, whatever it is forgive even when you feel it’s unforgiveable and when you don’t feel you can you have to rely on God to help you.

Because forgiveness is the key.

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Overcoming Exhaustion: The Impact of Positive Thinking and Adequate Rest

I sat down to write with feelings of complete exhaustion, often in our daily routine we don’t even realize how much we actually do. No wonder we burn out, part of it is our thinking.

When I woke up I decided that I would not be complaining about anything today, If I encounter people around me complaining then I would just counter it with something to be thankful for, and even when those negative thoughts come to mind as they will and always do, I won’t speak them out loud, complaining can really drain your energy  and peace of mind, which is why God said to speak life to your life (Proverbs 18:21),

It’s the same thing we do when were saying affirmations were speaking life to our lives. Have you ever noticed when you’re saying a bunch of negative things about your life, about money, about what may happen, or what’s not going right, that things just continue to go wrong, sometimes we think about what we’re saying, but don’t associate it with what’s taking place in our lives as (Mark 11:23) says you will have what you say.

 It’s not like everything is going to go just the way we like if were not speaking negative things and complaining all the time, but we will notice that things are getting better, and we are feeling better when we’re speaking and believing for good things.

But there are other times when we are simply doing too much, we go on as if we are on automatic pilot not taking the time to rest or a day off or even a few minutes to relax and breathe, we don’t rest as we should and then when our bodies break down, we wonder why.

So, rest when you need to rest, set boundaries when you need to, say no when you need to. It will make all the difference in the world to your mental and physical health.

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Gaslighting: Recognizing and Dealing with Manipulative Behavior

Have you ever been in a situation where you keep experiencing the same behavior from someone? Where they are sorry after the incident, yet not taking any responsibility whatsoever for their actions, and continuously blaming you, or someone else for their behavior, well an apology is worthless and not an apology at all without changed behavior.

For some, it could be coming from a spouse or significant other who’s abusive and is always sorry after the fact, or a family member or friend that crosses the line over and over again and is always seriously sorry after the fact, then makes excuses, while wanting you to act as if you should just get over it, act as if nothing happened, accept their apology and move on, while they continue to blame you, and not take responsibility for their own actions, and yes we are supposed to forgive them, but that doesn’t mean that we have to continue to put up with the behavior, making us feel as if we are overreacting and that it’s you that’s the problem. For example someone may blow up because they are feeling overwhelmed with something that maybe going on in their life but instead of acknowledging what they may be feeling they blame it on you instead. I believe you would call this a form of gaslighting, which is just a start in explaining this behavior and the situation you may find yourself in,

 You may have thought somehow it was your fault and try to figure out what you may have done to bring on this type of behavior, when the truth of the matter is we are not responsible for another person’s actions only they are, especially when they are unprovoked.

Sometimes we deal with their behaviors for years walking on egg shells, trying to keep the peace and avoiding yet another confrontation, and as impossible as it may seem, it is not something we can resolve on our own, It will take an act of God, therapy and a total reflection and realization on the other persons part, and although being in this situation can cause a lot of mental distress, protecting our peace, our health and mental wellbeing is crucial, if there is a part we need to take responsibility for by all means do that, then forgive yourself take care of yourself remove yourself from the situation and first foremost  pray for them, pray for yourself and ask God for help and guidance to go through it.

It is not our responsibility to try and fix the behavior, that is totally up to them. They have to consider what they are feeling and what they need to do to fix, or control the behavior, for some that may be writing about it, doing some self reflection, reading a book on the subject, watching a podcast, meditating or seeking therapy, but whatever it is we must protect our health and wellbeing at all times. Remember the change has to begin with them not with you.

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Coping with Trauma: Letting Go and Finding Inner Peace

Do you have something in the past that you need to forgive yourself for? Or someone needs to forgive you for? Even if you felt like you were doing the best you could at the time, but you have someone who just won’t let it go? Leaving the past in the past is very often easier said than done.

Survival Mode

 While going through something that I could barely cope with myself, domestic violence, and were barely making it through, basicly just surviving it.

After dealing with traumatic situations, I felt I did pretty well in spite of all that I was dealing with, even though I walked around feeling numb most of the time, after the lack of finding effective therapy, I only got through it with Gods help, never turned to alcohol or drugs just went about life as a single parent taking care of my child the best that I could. As we are going through things it’s often hard to see how it’s affecting others around us, just as it’s hard for them to see how it’s affecting us.

 When we provide for our children, work to keep a roof over their heads, clothes to wear and food to eat, as well as spend quality time with them and all they can see is what they feel we didn’t do, and they proceed to hold it against us often in their adult life, and act as if we need to spend our lives making it up to them, while not even acknowledging what it is we were going through, or anything that we did right back then, are we the really the problem?

Forgiveness

 If it is not in someone else’s heart to forgive and seek out any help that is necessary as an adult in order to heal and let it go, then we will just have to forgive ourselves, pray for them and seek out whatever it is we need to heal, and not allow ourselves to be manipulated or caused to feel guilty about something that has happened in the past that we cannot change.

 I have to continue to remind myself that it is not my responsibility to make someone else happy, but to try my best to understand while taking care of my health and mental wellbeing in the process.

I believe that my ability to forgive right in the midst of what I was going through is the reason I survived, if God can forgive us then who are we to keep holding onto to something, that we need to deal with from our past, it may not be something we can do in our own strength which is why we have to pray and rely on God to help us, and do whatever it is in our power to forgive, heal and move on.

So by asking for guidance from God, not giving up, believing that you can get through it, journaling, meditating or whatever you find that works for you, you can get through it.

                                                                                                                   

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Writing for life

Have you ever had something that just kept nagging at you? And no matter how hard you tried you can’t seem to shake it, and no matter how you try to ignore it, you know it’s something that your supposed to be doing, something God is leading you to, and all the plans you had for your life are on hold, because your moving in another direction, not knowing where it’s taking you, or who you will reach, or who will be following along going through the journey with you. Life can very often be so challenging, when we expect things to go one way, and it doesn’t happen It can throw us for a loop, as the saying goes If you want to hear God laugh, tell him you plan. We can get so caught up in feeling like things should have gone one way, or another and we can spend so much time brooding on what might have been, not realizing that it was not meant to happen the way we planned or wanted in the first place, or that it’s not the time, or that God is saving us or protecting us from something or delaying or stopping it all together, or, that he just has something much better in store for us, but not knowing where the thing is taking you, or who you will reach, who you may help, or who will even be following along going through the journey with you is the the scary part. Well, if you’re at that place, like or not, the only thing to do is surrender to the process and go where life is taking you. Writing has been for me as long as I can remember a form of solace, a form of therapy sort of speak, to be able to write down whatever you’re feeling, in whatever way you choose, without hurting anyone’s feelings or being concerned about how the other person will take it, all while trying to process what I’m feeling and be totally frank in my writing, and get out and release the things I’m feeling on paper, has been so therapeutic, writing down what I’m thinking and gathering thoughts without interruption, judgement or disagreement of how I should be feeling, it all gets worked out through the writing. It may not solve the problem or even make it go away, but being able to release those feelings, and change the way I may be thinking about it can make all the difference in the world. So write when you feeling alone, when you don’t think anyone understands, when your grieving or dealing with a loss, when you don’t understand why things are happening as they are, when you’re wondering why me, when your mad at someone or mad at the world, when someone has done you wrong, when you can’t understand why things are so crazy, write it down, process it, and let the writing help you figure out what you need to do for you, after all who know you better than you. Writing is not to take the place of any therapy needed, if you need therapy by all means seek it out. Happy Writing

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